What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 05:46
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
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I don,t even have a pension.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do you consider yourself pretty?
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was seconnd youngest,
What should I do? I'm 17 and I'm dating a 23-year-old guy.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I could never make a relationship work though!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i lived it daily.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Comes on , in middle age.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When she asked me how she looked .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)